I've been absent lately. From a lot of things. From this blog, for one. But also from people, from a working life, from intentional living. And it's been really hard to pull myself from. Because uncertainty ate me up, and mixed emotions toyed with me for a long time.
In the quiet of the dark lounge room of my house on this shady afternoon, I watched the blinking cursor on my law notes on unreliable evidence taunt me, as if it were tapping like a metronome indicating the passing of time without the passing of words or thought. I was snuggled up on the deep leather couch with a cup of green tea beside me, trying to get 'into the zone'. I was alone, it was the perfect opportunity to get work done.
But then in this time of being alone I felt lonely.
I have felt incomplete in myself as of late. It's a horrible feeling. Because I remember a time where it was just me and the world physically, but I was very much alone. And yet in that moment I was the best friend to myself. I took care of myself, entertained thoughts, posed questions, considered each element of my day so frivolously. And with that, the fun that me, myself and I were having allowed us to meet others and become so open to others.
And now in what I would call my little city, I am confused because it has all reversed. I rely on others for a sense of completeness. And so in my down time, I feel like the worst friend to myself. It's a dumb way to think or feel especially during this time of year when the sun screams your name and you're stuck in bed feeling dismantled by an inner torment which, if you're honest with yourself, is completely stupid.
In the quiet of the dark lounge room of my house on this shady afternoon, I watched the blinking cursor on my law notes on unreliable evidence taunt me, as if it were tapping like a metronome indicating the passing of time without the passing of words or thought. I was snuggled up on the deep leather couch with a cup of green tea beside me, trying to get 'into the zone'. I was alone, it was the perfect opportunity to get work done.
But then in this time of being alone I felt lonely.
I have felt incomplete in myself as of late. It's a horrible feeling. Because I remember a time where it was just me and the world physically, but I was very much alone. And yet in that moment I was the best friend to myself. I took care of myself, entertained thoughts, posed questions, considered each element of my day so frivolously. And with that, the fun that me, myself and I were having allowed us to meet others and become so open to others.
And now in what I would call my little city, I am confused because it has all reversed. I rely on others for a sense of completeness. And so in my down time, I feel like the worst friend to myself. It's a dumb way to think or feel especially during this time of year when the sun screams your name and you're stuck in bed feeling dismantled by an inner torment which, if you're honest with yourself, is completely stupid.
