An Honest Thought
Life with social media in the equation is shockingly complicated. I've fallen into a trap of painting my life as something joyous, witty, positive and unshakable to the people near and distant, and all loved. And it's time I came clean:
I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for years. My happy go lucky persona is true half the time. I'm scared to be a burden and when life makes a sudden turn I hide away from people and just put on the distant facade of "life's great I'm just busy sorry" when really I'm cowering and anxiety is crawling through the neurological pathways of my brain whenever I'm not distracting it with food or company. And of late I've had a lot of free time to myself.
I was wrestling with something deeply profound and that is my past - growing up in a Christian Faith and then leaving it due to personal hurt and disappointment in a situation involving people close to me. I decided I didn't need God. I decided He'd just have me back when I was ready (and thank God He did - the prodigal son story isn't the rule, as we don't all come back). 8 years on, a lot of great adventures, stories to tell and a love for the Unknown. But my love for the Unknown was because I was scared to admit that I had no set plan, no goal, no joy to reach for. I busied myself in travel, nights at the pub and the Internet to avoid the inevitable realisation that I am beautifully special, here for a purpose and that purpose is not purely for myself, but for others.
Amidst the experience of living overseas this time round, God ushered something sweet into my ears as I stared at my computer screen with the words emblazoned "Shooting in Paris" in November, 2015. The voice quietly said "I want you back now", and not in the Jackson 5 melody, either.
It was a bittersweet moment. I was so lodged in my life: my activities, my relationships. But it was all saying one thing: that I was ultimately in the situation I was in to serve myself. He was saying "I know love on another level altogether, and I want you to know it and share it too."
It wasn't an automatic transition back to my faith from my years growing up. I dove into a period of depression that still clings at me and I wrestle with daily. But I wake up in the morning with the melody in my head that goes something like this:
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus.
And oh, how great it is to know that my first thoughts and conversation in the morning are with the author of my soul. It leads me to a day of serving others when normally I'd be far too self-concerned. (I'm still working on that, of course).
I have accidentally handled some things badly and I want to apologise to those I have lost touch with in this period of my life. Pain is a selfish thing - it tells us to focus on ourselves, it consumes our thoughts. But oh, the healing is wonderful. So as I heal, and as I seek to show love, I ask for forgiveness for any mindless self-concerned behaviour. I ask for forgiveness for not being there for others when I used to be. Truth is I've never really been able to realise my own brokenness - I've always been there for others and I didn't know how to let others be there for me. My silence was to avoid being a burden, not because I wasn't interested in others.
Basically - here I am to say that you mean something far greater to me than you did before. And I was a fool to cower away in my own misery. Life is about connection and supporting one another, and I'm learning I can't make myself happy. We are in the image of God and naturally relational, and that is where depression can cease and love and comfort can grow.
So social media - here's to being more honest. To being more conversational rather than a means to show off a life that's only half real. To encourage relationship, to encourage understanding and to be honest about when life gets you down - you've got people right at your fingers to talk to, thank God!
I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for years. My happy go lucky persona is true half the time. I'm scared to be a burden and when life makes a sudden turn I hide away from people and just put on the distant facade of "life's great I'm just busy sorry" when really I'm cowering and anxiety is crawling through the neurological pathways of my brain whenever I'm not distracting it with food or company. And of late I've had a lot of free time to myself.
I was wrestling with something deeply profound and that is my past - growing up in a Christian Faith and then leaving it due to personal hurt and disappointment in a situation involving people close to me. I decided I didn't need God. I decided He'd just have me back when I was ready (and thank God He did - the prodigal son story isn't the rule, as we don't all come back). 8 years on, a lot of great adventures, stories to tell and a love for the Unknown. But my love for the Unknown was because I was scared to admit that I had no set plan, no goal, no joy to reach for. I busied myself in travel, nights at the pub and the Internet to avoid the inevitable realisation that I am beautifully special, here for a purpose and that purpose is not purely for myself, but for others.
Amidst the experience of living overseas this time round, God ushered something sweet into my ears as I stared at my computer screen with the words emblazoned "Shooting in Paris" in November, 2015. The voice quietly said "I want you back now", and not in the Jackson 5 melody, either.
It was a bittersweet moment. I was so lodged in my life: my activities, my relationships. But it was all saying one thing: that I was ultimately in the situation I was in to serve myself. He was saying "I know love on another level altogether, and I want you to know it and share it too."
It wasn't an automatic transition back to my faith from my years growing up. I dove into a period of depression that still clings at me and I wrestle with daily. But I wake up in the morning with the melody in my head that goes something like this:
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus.
And oh, how great it is to know that my first thoughts and conversation in the morning are with the author of my soul. It leads me to a day of serving others when normally I'd be far too self-concerned. (I'm still working on that, of course).
I have accidentally handled some things badly and I want to apologise to those I have lost touch with in this period of my life. Pain is a selfish thing - it tells us to focus on ourselves, it consumes our thoughts. But oh, the healing is wonderful. So as I heal, and as I seek to show love, I ask for forgiveness for any mindless self-concerned behaviour. I ask for forgiveness for not being there for others when I used to be. Truth is I've never really been able to realise my own brokenness - I've always been there for others and I didn't know how to let others be there for me. My silence was to avoid being a burden, not because I wasn't interested in others.
Basically - here I am to say that you mean something far greater to me than you did before. And I was a fool to cower away in my own misery. Life is about connection and supporting one another, and I'm learning I can't make myself happy. We are in the image of God and naturally relational, and that is where depression can cease and love and comfort can grow.
So social media - here's to being more honest. To being more conversational rather than a means to show off a life that's only half real. To encourage relationship, to encourage understanding and to be honest about when life gets you down - you've got people right at your fingers to talk to, thank God!
