Who(se) am I?

Hi.
I'm Ruth.

I'm a 26 year old female.
I grew up in a coastal town with my mum and a rural town with my dad.
I enjoyed the beach and salty air, but I was scared of waves until the age of 20.
I always get asked if I surf.
I don't.
Sometimes I wish I did.
Sometimes I don't care all that much.
And sometimes I wonder whether I should care or not, and what my motivation behind that would be.

I moved to a coastal city for university at 18 years of age.
I identified then as "quirky" and "alternative."
I'd wear only vintage op shop finds.
Pretty patterned dresses and tights.
Had long, unruly hair.
Had a secret crush on the quirky skinny boy in my French class who wore turtlenecks and glasses.
Believed that would be my "type" without question.

Began working at a retail company and fell into drinking and partying.
But really I was tame.
 Just couldn't polish off a bottle of Sambuca like the rest of them.
And really didn't want to.
At age 21 I began to enjoy fitness and lost weight.
Doors opened to a whole new "me"
I dropped the vintage and picked up the bodycon.
Dyed my hair blonde.
Got chased by the pretty boys with player syndrome.
And finally ran off giggling towards bigger and brighter things: Paris, the city of lights.

I fit into the city life like a hand in a glove.
But my feet craved the bare earth.
And a month after travelling I remember taking my shoes off at a beach outside of Edinburgh
And feeling alive.

Back and forth, to and fro,
I travelled and moved about, trying substances I would now flee from, and chasing after people and subgroups that I never truly fit into.
I was an introverted young woman finding the most solace behind a notebook and cup of Joe in a corner cafe in the city, or in front of a Monet painting in the corner of a gallery.
And as time went on I became "the Australian girl in Paris" to Parisians, and the "Paris girl returned to Australia" to Australians.

I was a gypsy, and still am - constant uprooting and movement and adventure and uncertainty are themes in my life. I have had cold feet for settling and grappled with it for years.

Then in the midst of a cold November evening in 2015, in the midst of another year abroad in England, in the midst of a relationship I had created my identity to align with, I was reminded who I am, or more importantly whose I am.

God interrupted. And I watched the 24 year old Ruth catch fire instantly.
And then I waited for the regrowth weeks after.
And I bloomed.

Suddenly who I was became steeped in questions of character, not of interests. Questions of morality, not of social standing. And it has been an unending journey of ups and downs, progress and lack of progress - all framed in the reality that I move forward only when I realise that my identity rests in God and His plan for my life.



And my present stint has me reminded of the very idea that we must be burnt in order to grow again more voluptuously and beautifully. In the midst of early 2018, I find myself yearning for the city whilst living in a rural town on a beautiful peace-bringing property with tank water and snakes.

I find myself wanting to traipse through windy alley ways in a pair of boots,
But craving the feeling of dirt between my toes all hours of the day.
Told by others I need to be more adventurous in my clothing choices, but adventurous enough in my wanderings and my wonderings.

Who am I? Am I the small town girl, or am I the city girl?
Do I belong where I am? Or where I long to be?

As I consider these sentiments, I am reminded that it really doesn't matter. With an insight into the eternal, these thoughts are clearly ephemeral.


So let me introduce myself again:

Hi.
I'm Ruth.
A child of God.
Destined for greatness.
And immediately great for the purpose of His glory.
I am infinitely loved.
I am allowed to be both barefoot and desire human connectedness with city dwellers.
I am allowed to be indefinable by people and defined and refined by God.

And in the same light, so are you.