Dear Men, From #MeToo to #YouToo.
[Note to reader: this post is fresh with a couple of personal reflections upon the influences of my life that have lead me through my associations with the opposite sex. It is not a celebration of my waywardness, but puts into perspective how God's grown me exponentially in the last 2 years, 1 year, month, week, and 24 hours, since deciding to honour Him.]
The #metoo trend online has sparked a revolution in the way that women tell their stories of being mistreated by men. Don't get me wrong, the revealing of truth as to how women are treated is useful - truth sets us free and it is a conduit for positive change. But it got me thinking about how I have been treated by men: not only badly in my past, but kindly and respectfully. I was inspired by Jennifer Schwirzer who recently posted her own hashtag: #honormen.
I want to talk about this, because I came to the realisation this week that I have often resorted to being a #metoo girl. I've had #metoo experiences - loads of them. I've seen a lot of offensive behaviours towards myself and other women that have caused bitterness, low self worth and anxiety around the thought of trusting male relationships.
But I believe, and it is so great to see Jennifer hone in on this, that Jesus frees us from #metoo, and allows us to #honormen. He is a man to be honoured, and He instructs us on the fact that we should #honormen.
In the final years of high school, I did not have my dad in my life. He had been there in the past, but circumstances changed, and I was no longer able to see him. I was frustrated by this. Fathers and daughters: It's a relationship that is important in a young woman's life to assist her with making choices as to who she could give her hear to and trust in this big, mean old world. It meant that I reverted to my mother's advice that my body and my heart was special and only when I felt safe was I to entrust that to someone else. I was comfortable in this mindset, and I wouldn't even kiss a boy (or man) until I was 21, let alone give up my body until a few years later. It was good advice, hung off of the lingering Christian values that I had and informed by the belief that I wanted to "save myself till marriage."
During that time, though, I was seen as a "challenge." I worked in a team of almost 80 people, and there were many occasions when colleagues would try to hook me up with another colleague, one in particular making public jokes about my virginity, commenting on my body (that it was "fine"), another making it a 3 year game to "deflower" me (and in drunken stupor on my part he got pretty close). I guess I am grateful that the little voice of in my head from years prior always left me with the conviction that no - if this was going to happen, it had to be respectful and honest. I wasn't a prize to put up in the trophy cabinet, I was one day to be a wife that would stand side-by-side to someone equally as valuable in my own eyes.
I moved overseas in 2013 and would have Parisian men clamouring for me - the petit blonde Australian girl travelling alone. Leering, jesting, men on the corners of streets whispering "vous etes belle" in my ear as we stood waiting for the lights to change. Invitations to "drink champagne" in their apartment with views of the Eiffel Tower. The spectrum of offers was, albeit entertaining, quite ridiculous. The crazy thing was, I was FLATTERED by it. As though this was something to be encouraged by, as though my level of value as I travelled alone through Europe, was to be established by how many pick up lines I had thrown at me (I do remember keeping a tally at one point). There was a time I had my drink spiked and was lucky to make it home that night safely (I believe I had Angelic company guiding me home, but that's another story).
Eventually I'd make friendships with young men I studied with at the university in Paris, and we'd all go out partying. I ended up being groped, and kissed against my will. I was grateful when I woke up to myself and began partying sober. I recognised as I watched the blur of other women around me that this was apparently socially acceptable.
Coming back to God, I began to recognise how faulty my image of relationships and the acceptable associations between men and women had been. It was through seeing the character of Jesus that I began to recognise this weight I had placed myself under. My image of relationships was so faulty, in fact, that it is only now that I am coming to accept and allow men to be chivalrous, gentle, and noble towards me. I have to shake the residual darkness of defensive feminism out of me. I have to actively #honormen that deserve to be honoured. Jesus Christ is recreating a reality of how I, and other women, should be treated. He wants us to not only recognise that it happened to #metoo, but that there is HOPE where Jesus Christ works in the hearts of people - men and women - whether they themselves recognise it or not.
And so this is an apology to men in my life that I have blocked your advances of kindness, respect and chivalry which flow from your love of goodness:
To the one(s) that allows me to trip and fall through the therapeutic process of coming to trust you as men - I honour you.
To the one(s) that sticks by me when I use humour to navigate my way through your honesty and vulnerability - I honour you.
To the one(s) that stands up for me when life has broken me - I honour you.
To the one(s) that has been there for me the past few months and offered me protection in prayer - I honour you.
To the one(s) that will wait for a bus to take me home in the busy city - I honour you.
To the one(s) that compliments me on my love for Jesus rather than the shape of my legs - I honour you.
To the one(s) who challenges me on my unhealthy residual feminist roadblocks - I honour you!
To the one(s) that never teases me about my choice of celibacy, my dedication to God, and refrains from emotionally blackmailing me - I honour you.
To the one(s) that teaches me each day to love myself as God loves me - I honour you.
To the one(s) that is patient with me and is willing to stick by me in the midst of the tough stuff - I honour you.
To the one(s) that allows me to trip and fall through the therapeutic process of coming to trust you as men - I honour you.
To the one(s) that sticks by me when I use humour to navigate my way through your honesty and vulnerability - I honour you.
To the one(s) that stands up for me when life has broken me - I honour you.
To the one(s) that has been there for me the past few months and offered me protection in prayer - I honour you.
To the one(s) that will wait for a bus to take me home in the busy city - I honour you.
To the one(s) that compliments me on my love for Jesus rather than the shape of my legs - I honour you.
To the one(s) who challenges me on my unhealthy residual feminist roadblocks - I honour you!
To the one(s) that never teases me about my choice of celibacy, my dedication to God, and refrains from emotionally blackmailing me - I honour you.
To the one(s) that teaches me each day to love myself as God loves me - I honour you.
To the one(s) that is patient with me and is willing to stick by me in the midst of the tough stuff - I honour you.
To the one(s) that loves Jesus and lets His love shine through - I honour you.
