Someone Like Me
The last week has been a fascinating exploration into how I perceive myself.
It started with a 3am text message from a friend based in the United States. We met on the inter webs through a tiny little platform called Instagram. His niche posts, faith in God and fun humour would inspire me daily. So somehow, one day, we connected.
Over a year later, with a handful of Instagram sabbaticals between us (he's got a big following and a big demand, and I just get stuck in Instagram caption land writing what are essentially blog posts and should essentially get to feature on this here website), I get a 3am text message from the West Coast that pinged "I think I know someone who would like someone like you."
It said other things, but that sentence really stood out to me. I jokingly sent back "I'd be curious to know what someone like me is like." But truth be told, I wasn't joking.
Learning about the way people perceive me has always been an adventure. One of highs and lows, perceptions and misconceptions. Things that I couldn't believe about myself, and things that I refused to, because they simply weren't true. But that didn't mean I didn't care. That didn't mean it didn't greatly impact me or how I felt in the eyes of others.
In the most recent year, I've been seen as "resilient", "distracted", "loyal", "untrustworthy", "generous", "selfish", "iridescent", "a wanderer", "a sister", "helpful", "fatigued", "stubborn", "joyful", "hilarious", "kind", "super dope" (this is a recent one and I cannot not hear it in an enthusiastic American accent), "tenacious", "honest", "beautiful", "missed", "misguided", "fun"... there were a lot of days with a lot of interactions with a lot of things said. But these are just... some.
And you better believe the more challenging ones stuck like sidewalk crap on the bottom of my shoes, infiltrating even other senses, tickling my nose with their lingering tang. Oftentimes they were shared by people that meant the world to me. Oftentimes the words hurt. But what hurt the most was the impact I felt these words had on the relationship between me and others. What they believed about me directly either made us closer or further apart. And I'll be honest, it's because of this that hard words and criticism have often frightened me so much, and that I often find myself in situations where I'm pleasing and appeasing my way out of even the smell of potential conflict.
The last few months, I've also been told really beautiful things about me. That I am kind, patient, peaceful, grounding, calm - that I am appreciated. I have been told I'm iridescent and stunning. And then I find that for some reason, I'll momentarily believe it, and then let the belief slowly pass. I'd worry that a person's perception would change, that their word would ultimately change, if I messed up or showed an ugly side to myself. I love being seen as iridescent. I love being seen as attractive. Smart. Funny. Incredible.
My favourite thing to be seen as, however, is a Child of God. It's the one thing I know to be true about me. I know I have been rooted and grounded in His love (Ephesians 3:17), I know I have been adopted as a daughter through Jesus into heaven's family (Ephesians 1:5), I know I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
The great thing about all of these and the countless others that God says about His children (of which I am, according to Him, one), is that they are the objective truth as He sees. As He speaks.
And here's the thing: when I have the right view in my own mind, I can then speak these things about me, and appreciate the good things people see in and say about me, and disregard the untrue, hurtful or unwise. And it just so happened that as this friend and I had a chat, he began to exchange what his friend (who he was aiming to connect with me) wanted to share about himself - a list of facts, "things you should know", dreams, hobbies, interests. All cool, awesome things. I appreciated how this total stranger with such intention and confidence would openly communicate the things he was comfortable with and confident in as himself. Phwoarrrh... inspiring?
Well, I did not have such a list. All I had in the past was an Instagram account or a blog (ahoy!) where people could read my words and draw conclusions, see my grid and visually score me as a human. Hear about me and formulate opinions of me. Some true, some not.
So I decided I needed one. Would I talk about my hobbies (when people ask me this, I realise I don't have many at all)? Would I talk about my South African and Kenyan family heritage? Would I mention my favourite music genres?
And then it came to me: "Things I know to be true about me."
Mostly a list of qualities, realisations, and self-encouragements, this list quickly became something that not only could I share with this person (via my friend, as he was still chaperoning our interactions - a hilarious experience, by the way), but that I would come to inherently believe about myself. They were things about me that did not depend on the perspectives of others. They were observable in my life, my heart, my walk.
Central was my iridescence and the light within me that God Himself placed there. And I knew it. I suddenly, truly believed it.
I sent the list. Wooosh!
The stranger was impressed. "WOW." But after time, what I gathered to be most important was not that they were necessarily impressed to make tailwind with me, but that they got to witness someone speak enthusiastically about themselves just as they themselves had. That they got, just for a moment, to witness another Child of God believe themselves to be just that - His child.
What a breath of fresh air.
No, I'm not burning rubber down the highway of love with this beloved stranger. I may never even speak to them again. But I am grateful for this stranger's example to me. One of reflecting on what is true about the self. What is good about the self. What is honourable about the self. All because they see it through the prism of the unchanging, unfailing, unyielding word of God: words of wisdom, truth, and love.
Someone like me is... loved. Loveable. Liked. Likeable.
